God Made Me for Himself

Little more than a year ago in my adult life burst Awakening. And a little later it brought me the realization that I don't know who I am and what I am. I clearly know what I should be - a daughter, a wife, a sister, a leader, what I should be to be loved by the society. Everything was written and understandable. But after I woke up, I realized with horror that I’d lost myself among all these scenarios written by human morality and culture.

Not easy period started in my life, which I conventionally called as God spoke: «Let Me introduce Kalina to Kalina». In other words, God acquainted me with myself.

Don't know why, but He always spoke to me through my childhood. And after I got acquainted a little with myself, I realized that I don’t like myself very much. Because after I got to know who I was I got the freedom to be myself. And of course, I behaved like what I was and logically this provoked a protest from the habitual behavior. And then a period of «internal conflicts» began. When I knew that I was trying to be myself, and once again people tried to drag me in the frame. It was very difficult to continue to grow in the old pot, where the roots don’t fit. But I didn’t have another pot and no one was going to transplant me. And God gave me a brilliant idea: I signed the Covenant with myself. I folded my arms so that the wrists touched each other and promised to myself that whatever happens I would never betray myself. I promised to be honest with myself and not let any circumstances or people make me lose myself. 

Up to this day God continues to acquaint me with that which He created, and I continue to pay the price to be myself and to be real. But recently I was bad and I was crying before God and said to Him: «Why did You make me like this? I didn’t ask You to create me like this! Surely You could create me like Masha for example. Masha perfectly fits in all the frames, and I have to struggle with the fact that I don't fit in. There is always something which people don’t like: I do not say this,  I'm too emotional,  I laugh out loud,  I sat in the wrong place, didn’t sing in a proper way, cry without  reason. And how can I explain to them that all these claims they should say to You? Why did you create me like this?»

Actually I felt very bad. But among all his thoughts suddenly I heard: «I made you for Myself! ». This one sentence immediately brought me freedom, and I realized that when God created me, He only thought about me and about Himself. In that particular moment Heavenly Father did not think about a neighbor Masha, about my friends, about my mom or dad, He didn't even think about my pastor or leader of the home group. All  His thoughts were that He liked me. He created me for Himself.

Now it is much easier to me to answer the question, why I am so because me Dad likes me. I remember once my friends and I were sitting in the ministry, and she rested her head on my shoulder, and then said petulantly «Why do you have such bony shoulders, it is uncomfortable to lie on them? ». And I told her that when God created me He was not thinking about Tanya, who in 2012 would fall on my shoulder and it would feel uncomfortable. When God was making my shoulders, He thought about what He likes. Then I asked her, that she forgave God that He had not thought that it would be uncomfortable to lay on my shoulders. We had a good laugh. Pastor strictly looked on us, and we stopped.

I sat and realized that it’s so good to understand who I am and that God created me for Himself. Love God!