Mistakes of the Past

A few months ago I looked into the eyes of Jesus and noticed something that I had never seen before. I never noticed where He looks. I looked into His eyes and He looked into mine. Previously, I paid attention to where I look, and now I'm looking into the eyes that look at me. I've never seen such a look, it completely captured me, all of me and I was very scared. It was scary how close and focused was His look. I would continue to look at Him, but I did not want Him to look at me like He did.

I knew that then something would happen and I was right. He told me the following: "As long as we do not deal with your past, we will not go anywhere." Now I understand why I was so scared and embarrassed, Jesus was really going to get me back into the past. Oh, how I did not want that! Probably, there is no greater punishment than put the old skeletons in the closet outside. I certainly know I'm not perfect and a lot of things are done wrong, but one thing is to know and another thing to realize. I was really scared to go back.

Oh, how wrong I was! It was a way not backward, but forward. I expected to fall, but I took off!

I used to tell God to lead me where He wants, and I would follow Him wherever He was. The first idea of ​​where God would guide me as I thought would be connected with the territory or people. But God has His own way! He is more interested in who I am than in where I go or what I do. You have to be incredibly brave to return there from where you ran away. Moreover, I’ve always had a weighty justification "forgetting what lies behind, stretched forward (Phil. 3:13, taken out of context)" and this is the story of Lot's wife who looked back and turned to stone. In the church I always heard that our past is the dirt and we do not have to look at our past, because there we were without God, and we were the last sinners and now we are a new creation, the past is forgotten. And because I was taught in such a way, I really believed that my past is something bad and unpleasant to the Lord. But I was very, very wrong.

We impose the view that our past humiliates us in the eyes of God. Our mistakes and imperfections, sins and apostasy can cause revulsion in Him. But in fact a lot of glory of God is hidden in our past.

When God walked me through the past, my heart was very underwhelming and a lot of penance came to me. In each of my wrong doings there was so much grace and mercy of God, I saw so much love. I was going through His heart in all of my wrong actions. He opened so much to me and supported me so much in my brokenness and humility. I know that a lot of things Jesus has not opened to me but in what He had opened to me, I found so much love and glory.

And last week Jesus told me: " There is nothing that would humiliate you in My eyes in your past." And I cried, I knew that He was not lying, He was not simply trying to comfort or calm me, I knew that He was telling me the truth. I was there with Him in my past, and I saw how He reacted to all this. It's true, He did not turn away, He always understood me. Every time I looked at myself and I realized that I did something wrong, I turned to Him to be justified, but in His eyes I read, "I know everything, I know, I do not blame ..." And such reaction was at my every sin or mistake or word or deed. By this I knew that He really did not believe that my past humiliates me. Then I looked at Him again and He repeated: " There is nothing that would humiliate you in My eyes in your past, " and continued, "In your present there is nothing that would humiliate you in front of Me. And do not worry, because in your future there is nothing that  could humiliate you in My eyes. "

An incredible freedom came after these words. I realized that God does not divide my past, present and future, for Him it is always one and the same, and no matter how old I am -  7, 27 or 47 years old I'm forever His girl!

I know that I will make mistakes; I will hurt people that I really love because I'm human. I would love to be better, but unfortunately, I will not be better than I am, because this is me. But I will always be attentive to God, and will listen to His opinion. I will always hope that He will cover me, because I really do not want to hurt anyone. Maybe it creates the feeling that the more I make mistakes, the more glory will come, but it is a lie. One can tell this only if he has never been through the pain of past mistakes. My past mistakes do not inspire me to commit more mistakes, but they inspire a greater closeness with God. Mistakes of the past should not be afraid of, they brought a lot of the glory of God, but repentance that comes through them inspires incredible intimacy with Christ!

Do not be afraid of the past, present, and future – all gives  the glory to God! Because your  past, present and future  is you, and you are the creation of God, and the Bible says that all of creation glorifies the Creator! Let's not put limits to God's Glory!