Mistakes of the Past

A few months ago I looked into the eyes of Jesus and noticed something that I had never seen before. I never noticed where He looks. I looked into His eyes and He looked into mine. Previously, I paid attention to where I look, and now I'm looking into the eyes that look at me. I've never seen such a look, it completely captured me, all of me and I was very scared. It was scary how close and focused was His look. I would continue to look at Him, but I did not want Him to look at me like He did.

I knew that then something would happen and I was right. He told me the following: "As long as we do not deal with your past, we will not go anywhere." Now I understand why I was so scared and embarrassed, Jesus was really going to get me back into the past. Oh, how I did not want that! Probably, there is no greater punishment than put the old skeletons in the closet outside. I certainly know I'm not perfect and a lot of things are done wrong, but one thing is to know and another thing to realize. I was really scared to go back.

Oh, how wrong I was! It was a way not backward, but forward. I expected to fall, but I took off!

Obsessed!

One day I was called a freak. I just needed help and shared with certain people about my relationship with the Lord. I told that it's difficult for me when I do not understand God. I opened up my secret relationship with the Lord, and smart people  listen to it and decided to tell me the truth. True, in their opinion, was the fact that "there is a passion for God, and there is an obsession." Well, since I felt really bad because I could not hear His voice and understand Him, they thought I was possessed. They  told me to  relax and not to try  to understand the mind of God because it is impossible. But  I can not agree with them,  it is not true! I can understand the mind of God because I have the mind of Christ. I'm not afraid to let Christ into my brain, so that He was there to put things in order.

At first, I was very hurt because I was used to hearing this word in a negative light. Usually this word is used in combination with a demonic force, and few people would be delighted if you would call them obsessed. No matter in what way  those people were talking about me  I still had negative reaction.

Feedback

Agree that many things in our lives we do with the expectation of the reaction to our action. It starts from early childhood. When children break their mother's favorite vase, they know in advance her reaction to it. When in school, we do not do the home task, we know that we will have the bad mark . And so it continues throughout our lives.

But the response is not always as we expect. So when we first encounter with such a situation, in the future we fear unpredictable response. When a little girl says a boy about her feelings, she has no idea that they may be rejected. But with this it all begins.

The Main Characters

One man told me a very important and deep story that has helped me to change the direction of my thoughts. The idea is that one of his acquaintances was about to die, but God definitely made it clear that she would be healed. And this man, like any of us, believed God and was confident that the healing will pass away. But in a very short time the woman died, and he was in shock. He had not expected such turn of events! And when he was angry at his disappointment, God said to him, "Why do you think that I have not healed her?" At this point, a man realized that his friend was healed in Heaven.

      The fact is that before her death God showed how much pain was in the life of the woman, and of course the man realized that God will heal her completely. It is so interesting that we properly hear and understand God, but do not always understand what He is going to do. God has kept His word, He healed her completely and she is now happy with Him in Heaven.

Closeness

Walking with Jesus is a journey. The relationship with Him is always different and they can never be predicted. More recently, I was so close to Him that I  heard every beat of His heart. I could feel His breath and His smell. When He spoke to me His words dissolved me. When I was scared, I closed my eyes, firmly pressed against His chest, and He walked me through fear.

But there are times when I do not feel Him so close. And now is such a period. I know that He did not leave; I just do not have such closeness as before. I can feel His eyes on me, but I can not find Him. I was in the service and felt very clearly how Jesus looks at me, I started to look for Him. I turned to the right, to the left, looked up, down, forward and back. I looked for His presence throughout the territory and in all the corners, but could not find. It's a horrible feeling.

Marina

Life  passed very quickly somehow and I did not notice a lot of things. And, apparently, God  was tired to watch me run and told me that as long as we cope with the past, we will not go forward. Now the fruit of repentance grows inside me. I have no idea what lies ahead, but cleaning my past is very detailed. And I'm sorry that I loved so few of those who love me for real.

You've been with me from the beginning, you were the first whom God has given me  to love you, and all the opposite happened. As soon as you came into my life, you just started to love me more. You were the first who fought for me with me!

Hypocrisy

Remember the parable about the talents, Matt. 25: 14-30: "One man went to a foreign country, and instructed the servants of his estate. To one he gave five talents, to another - two and to the third – 1 talent. Talent is the monetary unit. The first two have used them in business and earned profits, gave Mr. profitably. But the third dripped money, and when he came to the master, the servant said that he was afraid of the owner and the severity of him, he dripped, and the money returned to him as much as he gave him. And the lord said to the third servant "wicked and slothful servant," you knew I was a strict "on that you had to give my money ... that would get me a profit." And that servant was «thrown into darkness, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth."

Often this story is interpreted in such a way that we should not bury our talents, and use what God gives us and multiply it. But actually I think this parable is not talking about what the third servant did wrong, but that God always sees our hearts, and we can never fool God.

Take Me Back!

I do not know what to do next. Who am I, Lord? I was lost among all these templates. Please take me back, Daddy! I was robbed by human standards. Where am I and who am I? I do not know. There are so many willing to help all around me , but can they help me? They do not know who I am that’s why only You can help me.

Return the one you created to Yourself.

I'm sorry, that at imperceptible moment I was replaced by a different, more convenient to the public, person. I thought that it should be. I believe those who tell me what I should be, and lose myself. I thought it would be better if I would be like they say me to be.  And the worst thing, Dad, I was sure it was me. But it was a lie! How am I mistaken!

Love For Real

I am taught that love is a decision. But lately I think that it’s absolutely not. I'm not saying that my statement is the truth, these are just my thoughts. Those who invented such a phrase are much smarter and more experienced than me. But all the same, I have to think my own head.
God does not love me by the decision! God has not made a decision to love me! He just loves me, and no one and nothing can change it, because He is LOVE.
I was taught in 1 Corinthians Chapter 13, " love is long-suffering, goodness, love is not envious, is not puffed up, believeth all things, hopeth all... And  if you love, you decide to tolerate, to cover with  grace, not to be proud, not to be jealous ...

I have a husband, whom I love very much. And frankly, I don't remember at what moment I decided to love him. There wasn’t such a moment.