A Long Story

I don’t know what to begin with. It’s funny for me not to know what to begin with. Yes, impossible is possible. But there really is a question: how to gather everything mixed with thoughts, heart and spirit. One time you want to say so many things but can’t find appropriate words and the best way to tell everything is to be quiet. But not this time! That’s why I start.

Part 1 Spiritual Invalid

“It’s not a wound, but trauma”, answered God my question why my wound can not be healed. I started to cry because immediately Holy Spirit reminded me about the story when God injured Jacob’s thigh and Jacob was crippled for the rest of his life. Applying this story to myself I understood that God is not going to heal me because my wound is not a wound but a trauma with which I’ll have to live for the rest of my life. But God would not be God if He hadn’t given me hope.

You know it’s so difficult to hear such words from Him. I desired healing but got trauma in return. To tell the truth I guessed that there would be no healing but I didn’t want to believe this. That’s why when Jesus confirmed my suspicions I cried very hard. I couldn’t believe what I heard; He was standing beside me and hugged me. I knew He didn’t end to talk and that I interrupted Him with my tears, but He wasn’t in a hurry.  He wiped my tears and realized how much I didn’t understand Him at that moment.

In some time He continued: “Your trauma is the reminder of My promise” I remembered again the story of Jacob. The trauma which Jacob had got was the promise of God: “you have struggled with God and man, hast prevailed” He told me that Jacob’s trauma didn’t mean that he had done something wrong but visa versa. And my trauma has to remind me that I did everything right and the pain will always remind me of His promise.

I didn’t hear what the promise was. It seemed that His words touched me so much that He decided to tell me the promise at another time. Because at that moment I dissolved in Him and was not present in the real world any more. That’s why He continued to hug me and I was calmed by His presence.

My wound was marked by the religious spirit. I don’t fully realize what exactly the spirit is but I know that I can’t react well on the system in the church, on false teaching, control and dictatorship. I’d like to be healthy very much and react in a normal way on all this, but unfortunately it’s impossible. This is very similar to when Jacob wanted to run and jump, but couldn’t. I understood that every time when this spirit would be near I would feel pain, terrible pain. This is very difficult for me, but I believe Him. If He wants this then – ok! I hope that His promise is worth it. I’m looking forward to the time when He tells me something I should never forget as His promise. I know He would never do anything to hurt me, He loves me too much. I just didn’t listen to Him till the end and He didn’t insist.

I can never get rid of this pain, I just have to get used to living with it, another words to adapt to myself.

Now I know why I did what I did and react how I react. I’m just spiritual invalid and hope that through this my Father will be glorified.

Part 2 Putrid Smell

After I accepted things the way they were dozens of questions on the topic “How should I live then?” appeared. Unfortunately there was no one to answer this question, because in this situation the formula “Ask Jesus to heal you” did not work.

At first I feared that I could become like all religious people. I feared to become “myself-in-the-past” because between “new” me and “old” me was only one step. Only when Jesus told me that my wound is not a wound but a trauma I calmed down and started to think how to live further.

Once I got such a comparison: religious spirit is like a putrid smell. It feels like from the early childhood I was taken to the mortuary and lived there. I didn’t know any other smells except the smell of corpses. When after many years I was released in the normal world I was shocked. I started to smell all the smells in the world.  I felt the smell of flowers, asphalt after the rain, sea and how wonderful is fresh air. But here in the distance the corpse appears. A normal person can’t smell him, but I feel him clearly. I have to smell him a bit and I feel like the body is in my face. Everyone around me can not understand what is happening to me, they think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But they just do not hear what I hear.

Not long ago I was at the conference, helped with its organization and felt this smell before the beginning of the conference. I told my leader about my fears and she recommended telling about them to men of weight. But I was afraid that I would not be heard and I just prayed.

In the first day at the conference the odor increased and I felt so bad that gathered my things and went home.  On my way home Jesus walked with me and didn’t stop me. Unlike me He knew that everything would be OK. He knew that there was no place for that spirit at the conference and He wouldn’t let it. But that smell was so close that I couldn’t breathe. I understood that I was running from the battle but I told to myself: “I’m invalid, don’t touch me”.

Jesus didn’t say me a word. Only before I went to sleep He whispered: “What about our secret story, the thing we were going to do?” The thing was that my home group and I were going to post “free compliments” at night. Those were pieces of paper with 12 compliments written on each of them. Those were simple words to lift the mood of the people. But I felt so bad that nothing could make me return there. Jesus didn’t begin to persuade me and I fell asleep.

In the morning He sang me a song: “There won’t be another time, there won’t be another love” and He reminded me about my home group left at the conference. When I thought about them I realized that I wanted to return. When in the morning I saw their eyes, how glad they were that I returned I understood that I made a right decision. God still found the reason for me to come back.

I was pleasantly surprised when I found out that everything was OK and that it was quite good for me to be there. I didn’t know where this spirit goes, but I couldn’t smell it there. Maybe it didn’t come so close or I was too distant from it. But the thing is I still didn’t learn to live with my trauma.

Looking at myself I understand that I run.  Still it is the best way for me now to help myself. When it is too hot near the fire one should make a step back in order not to burn. At that time the only possible solution for me was to run, to escape.

Part 3 Spiritual Pension

Having confessed to myself that I’m spiritual invalid who doesn’t know how to live now and who gasps hearing even the slight putrid smell I understood that everything I was able to do was to “retire” spiritually.

I was watching at my spiritual children and understood how good they are.  I watched how they praise, worship God, feel His presence, how happy they are.  I looked at them and my heart filled with joy.

Inside of me I made a decision that my way is ended, that with my trauma I will not be able to live and move in things I moved earlier.  For me I accepted a position of the person who transfers anointing.  I transferred the anointing to my spiritual children for them to do what I can’t do and go where I can’t go.  Not because I don’t want, but because I can not. It hurts too much.

I looked at them and told Jesus how beautiful they are. Everyday we gathered in the room on my bed and shared our feelings. Sometimes we did it in the afternoon, sometimes in the evening and every time there were different feelings: good and scary, sometimes it was pain, sometimes emptiness. But every time I listened to them I understood that they are going the right way. The way is not easy, but it is correct and they will go further than me because they don’t have those wounds and pain that I have. They definitely have more freedom than I; they have more chances to go deeper and higher.

I retired spiritually. Really I feel much pain from the false teaching, the system, attempts of being better and better and even 1000 times better all the time,  control, pressing. I painfully react on every misunderstanding with everything that Jesus told me personally.

I remember I was going to fight with one girl for her cunning heart and bad attitude to people.  I was so mad with her! I’d never told such things about people that I told about her! Because I couldn’t fight with her, because she’s still a girl I wanted to write a note to her: “You’re a FOOL” I was going to tell this to her and to give her this note for her to remember these words for the rest of her life and to show the note before God – I was ready to get every possible punishment. Another words my reaction on wrong things was so inadequate that I realized that I was becoming a psycho and was dangerous for the society. But thank God He calmed me down and nobody saw that I’m spiritually disabled.

There was another moment when God didn’t let me to be condemned publicly. That was a morning service and pastor started to preach. Everything seemed normal until he said how bad it is when during the service young people go anywhere else. I stood up and said: “Now I go anywhere else” and left the service. Glory to God that I sat on one of the last rows. What pastor said was a lie. I know that Jesus do not condemn me when during the service I’m not near the stage. For many times I felt strong anointing while I was not at the service. His words hurt me so much! I needed a pension!

I’m sure if I sat near the stage I would do the same and I don’t care what everyone thinks. Jesus knew my reaction that’s why I couldn’t find place in the front row. 

My trauma is stronger than my common sense.  What I clearly understood was that I should retire or I would be called a rebellion. That’s why my decision to leave my leadership and my home group was clear and a reaction of protection in some way. I was going to tell everything to my home group and to my own leader.  If it would be needed I was going to meet with the pastor and be a normal member of the church. I really want freedom and want to be happy. I want to do everything I like and not to write about my service every month. I decided to retire and do whatever I want.

Part 4 They Need You

When I told girls from my home group that I don’t want to be in the leader’s service their reaction was very strange. Some were sad, some started to cry.  I was embarrassed by their reaction and I started to explain that I won’t leave them, that I will still wait for them every week at my place but not as a leader. My love and care doesn’t depend on what position I am in the church. I explained them once more my revelation about who real leader is and told that this is not who I am in the church. I tried to explain that my heart hurts because God opened me to be a leader, different from what they demand from me in the church. For me it’s like hypocrisy, I don’t live in harmony with myself.

No matter how hard they cried that couldn’t stop me from my decision. I wanted to live according to my own revelations, but not to the revelations of others. I knew they couldn’t understand me at that moment but hoped they would understand with time. Nothing could stop me. At first my husband didn’t believe me because he knows my calling and he knows that I love the girls. But days passed, I continued to say that I need to talk to my leader and he understood that I was not joking and tried to persuade me not to do this but I was possessed with freedom too much to stop. I was looking for the right moment to tell the leader of my home group that I don’t want be the leader. But days passed and there still wasn’t such a moment. In my heart I knew that everything goes as it should and that everything would be OK, because Jesus was close. That’s why I wasn’t in a hurry, I knew Jesus would find the right moment for the conversation for me. At that time I realized that only Jesus understood the depth of my feelings and He didn’t stop me. I didn’t ask for His opinion I just knew that He was close and still loved me.

One beautiful day Jesus told me: “They need you.” I was shocked. I knew what He thinks about all this system of leadership. He Himself had shown me who was who and then He wanted me to stay? I asked Him many questions that day and He gave answers to all of them. Though I understood that the girls need me in the system still I was to decide. Only then I was really thinking whether I should stay or leave.

Everything inside me cried to leave and I know that God would protect the girls, He wouldn’t leave them. I noticed that nothing in the world could persuade me that they need me and only Jesus made me hesitate. Really I started to think about my leadership only after He told me that the girls need me, because He is the only one who understands me and knows what I’ll have to go through if I stay. He knew that I was a spiritual invalid with crazy spiritual nerves. He is the only one who sees who much pain I’ve brought to the girls by my mistakes. How can I move further with my trauma? That’s why when other people told me that my girls need me for me those were empty words, even sincere words and cries of my girls couldn’t stop me, because I knew that for them it would be much better to be friends with me.  But when Jesus told me that they need me it changed everything.

At first I though those were just my own thoughts or echo in my head, that Jesus couldn’t tell me that but in the course of the day one thing happened that persuaded me that Jesus spoke to me.

Part 5 This Is Your Place!

That night when Jesus spoke to me one guy from my church (whom I don’t like by the way) came to me and asked whether one girl from my home group was all right. I didn’t actually catch the point. He started to explain that church elders sent him to ask me that because when the girl shared her testimony on the evening service they noticed signs of amnesia. I laughed very much because I didn’t expect such stupidity. My girl was just telling that God had changed her at the conference, she didn’t quite understand how but she could feel it physically. And that when she left the conference she couldn’t at first remember where she lived.

She’d just experienced something supernatural and they thought she had amnesia. For me it’s just anecdote! I knew when I tell her this she’ll be also laughing and we’ll definitely know that God used her testimony to change hearts. The guy also started to laugh trying to show me that he understood what the girl was talking about. But I knew that neither he nor church elders get a clue in what she said. I was so glad because I understood that big glory would come through my group.

After the conversation I was sure that my girls were on the right way and that they are cool! After I ended to tell God how proud I was for them He asked me: “If they had another leader would she answer the same way?” I knew she wouldn’t. I know my girls like nobody else because my seed is in them and God cultivates it. Then I knew for sure why Jesus told me that they need me. I was not going to leave my girls but when He repeated that this is my place and that I am the best person on the position of leader for them I started to cry. He continued to repeat that I’m imperfect; I’ll hurt them, won’t understand them and will be unjust and inattentive t to them, but they will always forgive me because they love. Again He repeated that it’s my place, no one will do my work better than I! He could find a better candidate on the position of leader for them but in this system the best candidate is I!

It’s amazing, how He loves! Knowing who you are and what you can He still believes in you. How does it go, that only yesterday I wanted freedom but today I humble myself under His arm and don’t consider freedom so sweet. It’s all the Love of the Father!

After that situation I understood that I couldn’t leave. No matter who I am they need me. This is my place. I’m the best person for that position.

Am I afraid? Yes! I’m terribly afraid because I don’t know how to live in the mortuary where I feel pain from the only smell. I’m scared more than ever, but trust to God is bigger than fear. Still He covered my disability during the preaching and I didn’t fight with that girl because He calmed me down in my inadequacy. God’s word doesn’t fit in my head; I can’t understand how a psycho can help healthy people.

I don’t know the end of this long story I just trust Him not knowing whether everything will be OK with me.

Part 6 I Am Free!

I thought that my story ended, that everything remained at its places: I am a leader, I’ll cover them if needed, they are good, go further, God opens to them as never before – they are good. As for me I’ll just stand here near them, protect them. But God would not be God to let everything remain as it is!

Next day another situation happens. One church elder calls me and asks strictly: “Tell me, who must see your bare belly except you and your husband?” I was confused after I heard that question.

The thing was that in the morning I was dressed in jeans, T-shirt and jacket. Maybe the T-shirt rode up and my bare belly saw the light of the world. To tell the truth I didn’t know at all why she was so mad with me and didn’t think about another reaction except smile. She became more angry and continued: “All the pastors are ashamed because they see your belly. You should be ashamed because of your bare belly. Your husband should be ashamed because everyone sees your bare belly. If he’s not ashamed, there is something wrong with him. He should be ashamed! ”

I’m standing in front of her listening and understand that now someone tries to hypnotize me. Without any fear she imposes the idea of what I should feel and what others should feel. It was funny for me: does this woman really think that my belly has such a great power and everyone is ashamed of it? I thought that if she knew that Jesus was standing beside us she would also tell Him that He should be ashamed.

She spoke with such assurance and power that she could assure the whole world that everybody should be ashamed of my belly. I stood there and couldn’t believe what I saw and heard. I stood there and understood that the religious spirit is mad at me. He’s mad at me because I’m not in his power any more. I watched as he gets angry and my heart was filled with joy because he couldn’t hypnotize me any more.  I wish you could see and experience what I experienced that day!

From one hand I felt sorry for that woman because she didn’t understand what she was saying. I understood it was not she who spoke to me. From the other hand I was glad for that freedom that I had inside. I’ve always seen when not people but the demons that control them spoke to me, but they’ve always had power over me, but not at that moment.

I didn’t know what to say and what to do that’s why I said: “I’m sorry” turned and walked away. I know that my “I’m sorry” didn’t calm her down, but I wasn’t going to kneel before her and repent in a terrible sin. I just knew I didn’t do anything wrong in what that spirit tried to persuade me. When I left God asked me: “Do you want to hit her?” I said: “No” “You see, you’re completely free,” said God. I was so happy!

I understood that I was not only free; I learned to live with my trauma somehow. I understood that the woman was wrong, but I felt OK. I know that many won’t understand what I’m writing. How can one be happy because he reacts on something normally? But for me it’s not just a reaction. It’s like I’m looking in the eyes of my enemy and smile. It’s not when you just know that you’re free, but you live in freedom! When faith becomes life is a pure joy!

Part 7 Promise

I don’t know what about you but I would consider my writing unfinished without this chapter.

I know that promises just start coming into my life. It’s a very long story and I won’t tell you everything but share one promise with you. If you read this chapter you’ve lived a part of my life with me somehow.

It happened when we had a School of Prophets in our church. The school leader is pastor and Prophet Scott who leads it already for 20 years.

At the first class pastor Scott wanted to demonstrate something and he needed a person to help him. Well, I’m a free girl without complexes and confusion. I raised my hand and he chose me. Then he said that he needed one more person and the woman who told me about my bare belly stood up. Even then I knew that Jesus had something on His mind because He wanted to start as soon as possible. I thought it would be some drama but Pastor Scott started to prophesy. When he prophesied I just got the confirmation of everything Jesus told me so I didn’t understand what He wanted to show. When he ended to prophesy to me he started to prophesy to the elder. And he told one phrase, which I knew was said especially for me.

I hope you remember that God used that woman to show that I’m free from religious spirit, spirit of condemnation and manipulation. And when Pastor Scott told the woman: “The Lord says: This is My work to get this crazy kids, it’s not your work.” I understood that Daddy spoke about me. I stood near the pastor and understood that Daddy would never let anybody hurt me – that’s His promise. Everyone who will have the desire to judge me, has to meet with my Father first. I got such an encouragement that I should do whatever He tells me to do and nobody will touch me. How happy I was! God used that woman again to bless me! I was amazed at this promise from the God the Father. Moreover those were not simple words, that was a drama in which I was His little girl and He showed His care, power and strength. And there were the best actors! The thing is that pastor Scott is a big man physically and when he told those words it was like a big daddy telling his daughter about his protection and his voice sounded powerfully, even more powerfully than when she told me about my bare belly.

I felt once more how big, how really big my Daddy is! That spirit is an ant compared to my Dad. Oh, how powerful that was! I experienced more than just a promise I was at the throne of the King!!! I experienced the words He told me some time ago: “You’re the daughter of the King the Victorious”! I’ll never forget what He’s promised me and how He’s done it! He’s the most creative, the most powerful and caring God!

There is no one like Him!

This is my long story. But in fact the story just starts and I’m in the beginning of its way. Well, I go!