My Heart Is Not Mine

Giving our hearts to God, we somehow think that He would put it in a camera store and will keep it until we meet with Him in heaven. I imagined this picture on a minute: God sits in a large study at a large table and signs every heart: « So, this Mary’s, and this is Pal’s...», and behind Him is a large wardrobe with cameras. Looking at this picture, I realized that, in fact, it is foolish. God is not like the Director of the Bank, to whom you can give away your valuables, so that He guarded them! It seems to me that God is more like the investor.
I give Him my heart, and He invests it in others. There is a wonderful verse in the Bible that whoever wants to save his life, shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for Christ's sake, shall find it. Amazing spiritual law!

Is it easy to fully give your heart to Him who so loved the world that died for it? It is easy for me to give my heart to The One who died for me. But will I give my heart to someone who has a crazy love for all people? It is scary, because I don't know what He’ll decide to do! And where I will be after that?
I realized that my heart is in the hands of The One who loves all people. And it is very difficult. Because I trust the Lord, I know that He will not hurt me, but I do not trust people. How can I trust someone whom I don't know?! I sometimes do not trust myself, what kind of trust you can then speak!
I had a long conversation with God on this topic (about a year). I tried to prove Him that I'm tired of the people, and that I don't love them, at one point even hated them. I asked Him a question: «Why do these people?». I poured out my heart to Him and sincerely said: “I do not like people because they are evil, selfish, hypocritical, lying...” He always listened to me, wiping my tears, soothed, and then said: «I don't believe you, you love them!». No, well, is this normal?! And I could not understand why God did not believe me, I was telling the truth. And only recently I realized why.

The fact is that God knows me better than I know myself. My heart has long been in His hands, my heart – is not mine. And God does what He wants. And the first thing He does is takes the souls to Himself. He does not change! He’s loved people so much that did not spare His Son and Son, seeing the love of the Father did not spare Himself. So why do I think that God will spare me? Remember how Jesus said, you are chased? rejected? misunderstood?  - I was also treated in such a way!

 On the other hand He also used other people's hearts for me to be closer to Him. And I am very grateful to those people that they trusted God their hearts that God could invest them in me. And so today I'm alive!

When I realized that God gave my heart to people, I said to Him that I do not trust them, for Him not to do this! It's my heart! I'm also going to be hurt! But He told me that I should not trust people, I must continue trusting Him! My heart is in the hands of the Lord, and I do not become heartless, but on the contrary, in His hands my heart feels, sees and hears much more.

Recently one person hurt me very much and I could not forgive. I saw a bullet in my heart that sits very deep. And I asked the Heavenly Father for a long time to heal my heart. And this Sunday when I was crying Jesus came and began to collect my tears with kisses, and then said that my tears are expensive. I felt such a strong understanding from Him, such  love and compassion, it swallowed me wholly. Such closeness is worth to live for.

Remember the place of the scripture where God says that He causes injury and He also heals them then (He said this to Israel). It's incomprehensible love of God, I give my heart to Him, He invests it in the territory, which softens my heart and makes a profit. In other words, God to me, and to those to whom I’m sent.

The most incredible thing is that I can not control His heart. My heart is not mine. I can not choose whom to I love. I understand that the decision and the choice are not mine. It is safe to live with someone who loves so much! The more hearts there are in the hands of the Father, the more there is true love on earth. I continue to love and trust God!